With or Without You.

CHANGE:

A terrifying, magical, powerful word. A word that holds a million meanings, all different for everyone, all within 6 letters. 

What is it that you think about when you hear the word change? (comment below!)

I think of many different things, most of the time depending on my mood or what reminded me of change.

The sum of all my thoughts lately: Change will happen with or without you.

I have spent the last month trying to look forward. Thinking of what I love and how i can achieve my inner happiness. Keeping my mind set on the positive changes i can and need to make to improve myself. Also, I have been trying to constantly remind myself that the changes i want wont happen if i don’t put the effort and actions into moving forward with them. All my focus has been set on finding my next step towards changes i need.

After a friend had passed away I had gathered with some people I cherish and hold close, to remember this man, hear the memories i never heard before and have some drinks in each others company to celebrate our time with him. We all caught up on things that have changed, reminisced on all the things that used to be. I was a huge flash back in time for me. So much has changed, some for the better, some for the worse, some just because it could. We talked about it all and about how fast it all can be gone. All the talking, all the dwelling i have done on how this person isn’t with this person anymore and this band broke up and this person was fired or quit, all brought me to what i mentioned earlier.

Change will happen with or without you.

So i think what i’m trying to say is no matter how hard it is for you to move on or step forward, trust me i understand the difficulties, just remember to never stop trying. If you are not trying for the change you want then change will happen without you and it is most likely going to happen in ways you don’t want.

Ms. Michy xO

Poetry:

http://MichysMelodies.wordpress.com

Blog:

http://MichysMess.wordpress.com

Family Influences

I always knew I took after my family in big ways but it wasn’t until this year that I noticed exactly how much and to the extent of the depth.

I know I’m kind, caring and big hearted like them. Generous and always putting others before myself like them. Huge animal lover of all shapes and sizes, especially my kitties Boston and Bobby (who my whole family treats as if their my actual given birth to babies). I know I over think and over worry just like my mother. I over pack and prepare for the worst just like my uncle. And I hate talking on the phone and have a very short fuse for my patience and anger just like my dad. Also I would rather be at home relaxing reading a book or writing, rather then having to meet a group of people/friends just like all three of them lol.

There is so many obvious things like that which make it clear I am related to these people but it wasnt until recently that I started seeing how deep they have woven into my personality.

I care far to much what other people think my life should look like from my mother, i quote my dad on almist everything that happens to me or my friends. If you need something you can garuntee ive got it with me because of my uncle, over prepare! I notice now that I hold myself back because I hold each of their boundaries as my own and I won’t step out of that bubble. Which brings me back to my last post about turning 25 and how I let their negativity control my optimism. Even if they think their just protecting or saving me from failure.

I’ve noticed myself sit back almost as if out of my body and listen to something they say and i see myself reenacting the very moments i acted just like them in so many different scenarios and situations in my life.

There are so many examples that aren’t at the tip of my memory right now but this year has been the biggest eye opening year I’ve experienced yet. I only hope I can learn how to take the good from my families qualities and leave behind the parts of the personalities that do me harm. I guess recognizing them has to be the first step. Right?

Ms. Michy xO

Poetry:
http://MichysMelodies.wordpress.com

Blog:
http://MichysMess.wordpress.com

Quarter of a Century.

The Big Two-Five

On my birthday ( Feb. 15th ) My mother acted as though it was a huge deal to turn 25, I looked at her like she were loony. She kept on telling me it was a big deal. It was a ‘Quarter of a Century’. I played along and we had a nice day, but it wasn’t until later on that i really felt the effects of being 25!

Every year, every birthday, every recap of my goals list I’m disappointed in my lack of accomplishments. Even more so at my lack of knowing who i am, in fact, as each year passed i felt further and further away from myself. I thought I was always trying to find myself yet never paying enough attention to my patterns or behaviors. I couldn’t have been more lost.

One huge reason I keep losing sight of myself and have not put all my energy into my success is because I have always lived my life as others think it should be. I do what one expects of me even when it jeopardizes my health or goals in life. I have turned myself into a people pleasing machine and have forgotten to please my own self. Now is my time to stop trying to be liked by everyone else and to learn how to like me for me all on my own. Finally.

I have always known not to worry what others think but up until this year i have never come to complete peace with that saying. I am a care giver by heart and to not care how someone thinks or feels was torture for me. But as I have gotten older i can now recognize the difference between caring for someone and being completely taken advantage of. The in between is still a little hard for me lol. There is only so much you can do to make someone happy and bringing your life down with them is NOT one of those options.

So i have started seeing how, when i share my thoughts, concerns, questions or dreams, some people would respond with constant negativity. Even if they made sense they always gave me a reason to go against what i put so much of my time into. Whether it be the risk, the cost, the priority or even if they were being hypocritical i was always getting a negative reaction from them and taking it to heart. Letting those reactions control my decisions. So much to the point that I have the hardest time making my own decision in life no matter how big or small. I cant even decide what i’d like to eat for supper most of the time. I have learnt even though i look up to these people and they are only looking out for me, that i need to stop taking what they say to heart. I need to ignore their negativity and live for myself. Make up my own mind, my own decisions. Only then will i learn who i am or who i want to be. Only then will i find my interests and hobbies. And only then will i actually find me.

As i was saying, it wasn’t until recent that i realized how big of a deal being 25 really was to me. I am recognizing myself again, or maybe for the first time. Learning MY true personality and desires. Doing things i enjoy and seeing all the possibilities that can come from my personal interests. I have never felt like such an individual. I have learnt that the way i lived, trying to fit the part of what people see me as, drained me absolutely dry of my individuality. My personality and behavior was a shadow of others around me. Now i finally see myself as someone worthy of my opinions. Someone who can bring good into this world because i am so determined to do good and help others. I see now how little things can make such a difference in how you view your day, such as a snowflake landing on your eyelash as someones looking deep into your eyes. How happy those little moments can make you, how easily they can go unnoticed. How every little tiny cute thing touches my heart more then most anything i can learn in this world, And how important it is to cherish those moments as they come. I know i hold every memory so close and so dear to my heart. I wear my heart on my sleeve. Since i have turned 25 i have been able to to put the pieces of my personality in place from which family member it stemmed from and that has given me such insight on what i want to avoid and what i may need to change in myself to do better then my parents and so on. I have learnt that i actually LOVE to read, and write of course I LOVE nature and water and all of its beauty (part of the little things), i feel at peace when i am walking a trail with my camera, as if the whole world can be on my shoulders and i am still in a heavenly place unharmed.

I have been depressed for most of my life with no sense of how to find happiness. No sight of any change in my future but as this year has continued to unfold i have learnt so much more about myself that i thought i already knew and it has shown me a whole new outlook on the way i see myself, my purpose and my possible outcome.

The Big TWO-FIVE!

A wonderful unfolding year for me. now here’s to 75 more !  😉

Ms. Michy xO

Poetry:
http://MichysMelodies.wordpress.com

Blog:
http://MichysMess.wordpress.com

Me Ol’ Myspace

My MySpace About Me Back In 2007:

I’m pretty happy with who I am, I’ve grown up well and have learned a lot. I know that there are amazing people there by my side and I always keep in that in mind. You can and will judge me. You can choose to like or dislike me but I will never change for you. Nor will you ever break me or control me. I am who I am and I will change on my own as I become more experienced and as I grow. I’ve made a lot of disastrous mistakes and have done a lot of miracles. I will also do a lot more. Never do I want to regret any of it, though I am normal, I am human and there is a lot I wish I could have done differently. But who wants to dwell over spilt milk. I’ve been trying really hard to improve a lot about myself and I am very proud of the things I’ve accomplished. Now spark a joint, give me a beer and let’s have a party!

My Myspace About Me Back In 2008

In the 18 years I have grown, I’ve made a million decisions, a million changes, a million mistakes. I had my doubts, my heartbreaks, my fears and my regrets. I had my curiosity, my cravings, my fun and my miracles. All being a different lesson. I know the metaphors ‘dont dread over spilt milk’ and ‘life is like a rollercoaster’. I know education and money are not only wants but needs. I know its not nice to judge, yet we all do and I know we should never hate, its such a bad word, but who doesn’t..

Ms. Michy xO

Poetry:
http://MichysMelodies.wordpress.com

Blog:
http://MichysMess.wordpress.com