The Big Two-Five
On my birthday ( Feb. 15th ) My mother acted as though it was a huge deal to turn 25, I looked at her like she were loony. She kept on telling me it was a big deal. It was a ‘Quarter of a Century’. I played along and we had a nice day, but it wasn’t until later on that i really felt the effects of being 25!
Every year, every birthday, every recap of my goals list I’m disappointed in my lack of accomplishments. Even more so at my lack of knowing who i am, in fact, as each year passed i felt further and further away from myself. I thought I was always trying to find myself yet never paying enough attention to my patterns or behaviors. I couldn’t have been more lost.
One huge reason I keep losing sight of myself and have not put all my energy into my success is because I have always lived my life as others think it should be. I do what one expects of me even when it jeopardizes my health or goals in life. I have turned myself into a people pleasing machine and have forgotten to please my own self. Now is my time to stop trying to be liked by everyone else and to learn how to like me for me all on my own. Finally.
I have always known not to worry what others think but up until this year i have never come to complete peace with that saying. I am a care giver by heart and to not care how someone thinks or feels was torture for me. But as I have gotten older i can now recognize the difference between caring for someone and being completely taken advantage of. The in between is still a little hard for me lol. There is only so much you can do to make someone happy and bringing your life down with them is NOT one of those options.
So i have started seeing how, when i share my thoughts, concerns, questions or dreams, some people would respond with constant negativity. Even if they made sense they always gave me a reason to go against what i put so much of my time into. Whether it be the risk, the cost, the priority or even if they were being hypocritical i was always getting a negative reaction from them and taking it to heart. Letting those reactions control my decisions. So much to the point that I have the hardest time making my own decision in life no matter how big or small. I cant even decide what i’d like to eat for supper most of the time. I have learnt even though i look up to these people and they are only looking out for me, that i need to stop taking what they say to heart. I need to ignore their negativity and live for myself. Make up my own mind, my own decisions. Only then will i learn who i am or who i want to be. Only then will i find my interests and hobbies. And only then will i actually find me.
As i was saying, it wasn’t until recent that i realized how big of a deal being 25 really was to me. I am recognizing myself again, or maybe for the first time. Learning MY true personality and desires. Doing things i enjoy and seeing all the possibilities that can come from my personal interests. I have never felt like such an individual. I have learnt that the way i lived, trying to fit the part of what people see me as, drained me absolutely dry of my individuality. My personality and behavior was a shadow of others around me. Now i finally see myself as someone worthy of my opinions. Someone who can bring good into this world because i am so determined to do good and help others. I see now how little things can make such a difference in how you view your day, such as a snowflake landing on your eyelash as someones looking deep into your eyes. How happy those little moments can make you, how easily they can go unnoticed. How every little tiny cute thing touches my heart more then most anything i can learn in this world, And how important it is to cherish those moments as they come. I know i hold every memory so close and so dear to my heart. I wear my heart on my sleeve. Since i have turned 25 i have been able to to put the pieces of my personality in place from which family member it stemmed from and that has given me such insight on what i want to avoid and what i may need to change in myself to do better then my parents and so on. I have learnt that i actually LOVE to read, and write of course I LOVE nature and water and all of its beauty (part of the little things), i feel at peace when i am walking a trail with my camera, as if the whole world can be on my shoulders and i am still in a heavenly place unharmed.
I have been depressed for most of my life with no sense of how to find happiness. No sight of any change in my future but as this year has continued to unfold i have learnt so much more about myself that i thought i already knew and it has shown me a whole new outlook on the way i see myself, my purpose and my possible outcome.
The Big TWO-FIVE!
A wonderful unfolding year for me. now here’s to 75 more ! 😉
Ms. Michy xO