change_06272012

CHANGE:

A terrifying, magical, powerful word. A word that holds a million meanings, all different for everyone, all within 6 letters. 

change wordle

What is it that you think about when you hear the word change? (comment below!)

change-in-business

I think of many different things, most of the time depending on my mood or what reminded me of change.

The sum of all my thoughts lately: Change will happen with or without you.

I have spent the last month trying to look forward. Thinking of what I love and how i can achieve my inner happiness. Keeping my mind set on the positive changes i can and need to make to improve myself. Also, I have been trying to constantly remind myself that the changes i want wont happen if i don’t put the effort and actions into moving forward with them. All my focus has been set on finding my next step towards changes i need.

After a friend had passed away I had gathered with some people I cherish and hold close, to remember this man, hear the memories i never heard before and have some drinks in each others company to celebrate our time with him. We all caught up on things that have changed, reminisced on all the things that used to be. I was a huge flash back in time for me. So much has changed, some for the better, some for the worse, some just because it could. We talked about it all and about how fast it all can be gone. All the talking, all the dwelling i have done on how this person isn’t with this person anymore and this band broke up and this person was fired or quit, all brought me to what i mentioned earlier.

Change will happen with or without you.

So i think what i’m trying to say is no matter how hard it is for you to move on or step forward, trust me i understand the difficulties, just remember to never stop trying. If you are not trying for the change you want then change will happen without you and it is most likely going to happen in ways you don’t want.

Ms. Michy xO

Poetry:

http://MichysMelodies.wordpress.com

Blog:

http://MichysMess.wordpress.com

CDLTraining

Where are you now? Will you be home early? I miss you, I want you, I need you! 

How many constantly repeated phrases do we have now?

I Love my truck driver! I like my mans career but i cant help but admit it is very hard sometimes. Right now as an example, never being able to help me through funerals and the passing of these poor people. In the same breath i have to express how grateful i am for his job considering he has been supporting me since i had to leave my job.

I honestly like his job, i get some me time, but not more then i can handle either (except in times of crisis). He enjoys what hes doing. I have never felt more safe with my love for someone as i do with him so the distance is not an issue. We trust each other.

The only hard times are the hard times.

its cold and lonely in the deep dark night, i can see paradise by the dashboard light. Oh its cold and lonely in the deep dark night, paradise by the dashboard light.

I Love you My Truck Driver ❤

On the Road Again….

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imissyou

Ms. Michy xO

Poetry:
http://MichysMelodies.wordpress.com

Blog:
http://MichysMess.wordpress.com

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My family has always been people to avoid weddings and funerals like the plague. It bothers me that they are this way but like many other things, i have inherited this wonderful habit or fear. I put a heck of a lotta effort into attending the devastating amount of funerals of past friends i will not forget but even with every effort in me i have missed to many…

Which brings me to my question: How selfish is it of me if i can not go because of my anxiety?

I am going to know a large majority of people attending. All being old time friends mainly of which i met with my ex, who will also be there. As well as probably many past lovers.

I have three fears raising my anxiety level to border line attack the more i think about it. That is why i am here, trying to release some of that energy and spiral thinking.

First Fear is of my ex, lets call him Mr. Metal. I think it might be because they lived together but ever since finding out i feel like i came that close to losing him too. We don’t really talk or ever see each other but the thought of him passing away has stricken me sick and it can happen in a split second.. Also the end of our relationship was a few funeral visits together and i know it will only bring me back to those days. I don’t want to see him hurt. It can cause harm for both of our sanity in the long run…

Second Fear is of my friends. Not of them individually but this will be a very messy celebration of his life. Very messy. and i am now jobless atm, my man is giving me money which i cant blow because i’m emotional and he is not anywhere near to be able to help comfort or control me.

Third Fear is silly,  yet so very not! Its of all the people i have fooled around with being in one room together, with me.. and the people you have such a strong connection with but could never try a relationship with. All of us crammed into one emotionally overflowing room.

I have never ever been good with my anxiety.. I have always needed my bfs support going out to anything with crowds. for the easy stuff i am basically fine once we get there its every torturous second in my brain along the way. And of course these devastating events only make it a million times worse. Usually the entire time. Unless you start drinking. which is what i said i didn’t want to do.

I didnt know him as well as they did but is it still to selfish not to go??

keep-calm-and-rest-in-peace-15ugh…

RIP KG

Ms. Michy xO

Poetry:
http://MichysMelodies.wordpress.com

Blog:
http://MichysMess.wordpress.com

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How did this party animal turn into such a homebody?

Even to this day i cringe when i explain how i dont party any more. I feel i have let to much of my life pass me by. Dont get me wrong i loved how much fun i had. Many of experiences i never would of had being at home reading or blogging. I found it began purely to try and save money but now even when invited i cant find the time or energy to get ready and go out all night. I have missed the excitement on many weekends yet I never make a change to going back. I enjoy being at home and writing for myself or for the world to see. I feel every spare minute i have i should spend reading my book since there is never enough time or peace in one day to be able to read. Even while im not working right now i find myself doing so many other things for my family and the home that i still dont feel like i have gained any free time.

I often tell myself i will have time again. I will have the extra money and free time to be able to dancing on weekends again but im really not sure that what i even want. I miss all my friends, i miss all the laughs but honestly i think id miss feeling relaxed more.

Is it possible to:

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Farewell child’s play, Hello adulthood.

Ms. Michy xO

Poetry:
http://MichysMelodies.wordpress.com

Blog:
http://MichysMess.wordpress.com

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I always knew I took after my family in big ways but it wasn’t until this year that I noticed exactly how much and to the extent of the depth.

I know I’m kind, caring and big hearted like them. Generous and always putting others before myself like them. Huge animal lover of all shapes and sizes, especially my kitties Boston and Bobby (who my whole family treats as if their my actual given birth to babies). I know I over think and over worry just like my mother. I over pack and prepare for the worst just like my uncle. And I hate talking on the phone and have a very short fuse for my patience and anger just like my dad. Also I would rather be at home relaxing reading a book or writing, rather then having to meet a group of people/friends just like all three of them lol.

There is so many obvious things like that which make it clear I am related to these people but it wasnt until recently that I started seeing how deep they have woven into my personality.

I care far to much what other people think my life should look like from my mother, i quote my dad on almist everything that happens to me or my friends. If you need something you can garuntee ive got it with me because of my uncle, over prepare! I notice now that I hold myself back because I hold each of their boundaries as my own and I won’t step out of that bubble. Which brings me back to my last post about turning 25 and how I let their negativity control my optimism. Even if they think their just protecting or saving me from failure.

I’ve noticed myself sit back almost as if out of my body and listen to something they say and i see myself reenacting the very moments i acted just like them in so many different scenarios and situations in my life.

There are so many examples that aren’t at the tip of my memory right now but this year has been the biggest eye opening year I’ve experienced yet. I only hope I can learn how to take the good from my families qualities and leave behind the parts of the personalities that do me harm. I guess recognizing them has to be the first step. Right?

Ms. Michy xO

Poetry:
http://MichysMelodies.wordpress.com

Blog:
http://MichysMess.wordpress.com

quarter-life-crisis

The Big Two-Five

On my birthday ( Feb. 15th ) My mother acted as though it was a huge deal to turn 25, I looked at her like she were loony. She kept on telling me it was a big deal. It was a ‘Quarter of a Century’. I played along and we had a nice day, but it wasn’t until later on that i really felt the effects of being 25!

Every year, every birthday, every recap of my goals list I’m disappointed in my lack of accomplishments. Even more so at my lack of knowing who i am, in fact, as each year passed i felt further and further away from myself. I thought I was always trying to find myself yet never paying enough attention to my patterns or behaviors. I couldn’t have been more lost.

One huge reason I keep losing sight of myself and have not put all my energy into my success is because I have always lived my life as others think it should be. I do what one expects of me even when it jeopardizes my health or goals in life. I have turned myself into a people pleasing machine and have forgotten to please my own self. Now is my time to stop trying to be liked by everyone else and to learn how to like me for me all on my own. Finally.

I have always known not to worry what others think but up until this year i have never come to complete peace with that saying. I am a care giver by heart and to not care how someone thinks or feels was torture for me. But as I have gotten older i can now recognize the difference between caring for someone and being completely taken advantage of. The in between is still a little hard for me lol. There is only so much you can do to make someone happy and bringing your life down with them is NOT one of those options.

So i have started seeing how, when i share my thoughts, concerns, questions or dreams, some people would respond with constant negativity. Even if they made sense they always gave me a reason to go against what i put so much of my time into. Whether it be the risk, the cost, the priority or even if they were being hypocritical i was always getting a negative reaction from them and taking it to heart. Letting those reactions control my decisions. So much to the point that I have the hardest time making my own decision in life no matter how big or small. I cant even decide what i’d like to eat for supper most of the time. I have learnt even though i look up to these people and they are only looking out for me, that i need to stop taking what they say to heart. I need to ignore their negativity and live for myself. Make up my own mind, my own decisions. Only then will i learn who i am or who i want to be. Only then will i find my interests and hobbies. And only then will i actually find me.

As i was saying, it wasn’t until recent that i realized how big of a deal being 25 really was to me. I am recognizing myself again, or maybe for the first time. Learning MY true personality and desires. Doing things i enjoy and seeing all the possibilities that can come from my personal interests. I have never felt like such an individual. I have learnt that the way i lived, trying to fit the part of what people see me as, drained me absolutely dry of my individuality. My personality and behavior was a shadow of others around me. Now i finally see myself as someone worthy of my opinions. Someone who can bring good into this world because i am so determined to do good and help others. I see now how little things can make such a difference in how you view your day, such as a snowflake landing on your eyelash as someones looking deep into your eyes. How happy those little moments can make you, how easily they can go unnoticed. How every little tiny cute thing touches my heart more then most anything i can learn in this world, And how important it is to cherish those moments as they come. I know i hold every memory so close and so dear to my heart. I wear my heart on my sleeve. Since i have turned 25 i have been able to to put the pieces of my personality in place from which family member it stemmed from and that has given me such insight on what i want to avoid and what i may need to change in myself to do better then my parents and so on. I have learnt that i actually LOVE to read, and write of course I LOVE nature and water and all of its beauty (part of the little things), i feel at peace when i am walking a trail with my camera, as if the whole world can be on my shoulders and i am still in a heavenly place unharmed.

I have been depressed for most of my life with no sense of how to find happiness. No sight of any change in my future but as this year has continued to unfold i have learnt so much more about myself that i thought i already knew and it has shown me a whole new outlook on the way i see myself, my purpose and my possible outcome.

The Big TWO-FIVE!

A wonderful unfolding year for me. now here’s to 75 more !  😉

Ms. Michy xO

Poetry:
http://MichysMelodies.wordpress.com

Blog:
http://MichysMess.wordpress.com

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He was only 30 years old..

The most unexpected situations happen to everyone while we sit at home and snack, or finish our daily work day. The travesty that can happen in a blink of an eye is sickening, frightening, disappointing.

I knew as i got older i would experience losing more and more people. I knew this, it started young, its not an unexpected never felt before shock. Yet lately it seems to be happening so often and so unexpected that i just do not know how to handle myself. I am having troubles keeping it together as each days comes and each friend goes. I keep checking his facebook, for what i do not know, maybe the kind words and thoughts from others. And I keep rereading the same newspaper article, that contains no sentimental or valuable information within it, over and over and over again.

Finally, I decided to write out some of my sorrow.

There are two huge parts that bother me most. One being he was so young, so full of life, this wasn’t an illness taking over, this was completely random, wrong place, wrong time. NOT FAIR! That is such BS. How can we ever feel safe in our life when so much happens that you just can not be prepared for no matter how mentally exhausted you are from trying to think of everything. Your life can be taken away far to quickly and completely out of your control.

Which brings ups my Second thing. HE WAS A GOOD MAN, He didn’t wish for his death, he didn’t intentionally harm others. There is no reason to have taken him away from us. There is so many people out there that are murders, abusers, thieves, and just very bad people and they end up living, getting past the typical boundaries of you and i and breaking all the rules. Living happily ever after somewhere. While we lose such good people. Also there are people who don’t want to live. I do wish that this never happens to me but I am one of those people who take my life for granted and have wished something bad upon myself like such at time. If it should happen to anyone, should it not happen to the people who take their lives for granted. Its just NOT FAIR!

A friend through my ex had passed away yesterday. Much to young! We were not best friends but i know how good of a person he was. I am still in a sort of shock. I can not fathom how random and unfair this is. He will be missed by so very many. Many who are in just as deep of shock as i am and worse.. R.I.P. Kind Kenny, Rock your heart out where ever you are with all your favorite musicians you could never see while you were here with us still. Say Hi to Peter and my other friends/family for me.

😦

xoxoxo 

Ms. Michy xO

Poetry:
http://MichysMelodies.wordpress.com

Blog:
http://MichysMess.wordpress.com

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My MySpace About Me Back In 2007:

I’m pretty happy with who I am, I’ve grown up well and have learned a lot. I know that there are amazing people there by my side and I always keep in that in mind. You can and will judge me. You can choose to like or dislike me but I will never change for you. Nor will you ever break me or control me. I am who I am and I will change on my own as I become more experienced and as I grow. I’ve made a lot of disastrous mistakes and have done a lot of miracles. I will also do a lot more. Never do I want to regret any of it, though I am normal, I am human and there is a lot I wish I could have done differently. But who wants to dwell over spilt milk. I’ve been trying really hard to improve a lot about myself and I am very proud of the things I’ve accomplished. Now spark a joint, give me a beer and let’s have a party!

My Myspace About Me Back In 2008

In the 18 years I have grown, I’ve made a million decisions, a million changes, a million mistakes. I had my doubts, my heartbreaks, my fears and my regrets. I had my curiosity, my cravings, my fun and my miracles. All being a different lesson. I know the metaphors ‘dont dread over spilt milk’ and ‘life is like a rollercoaster’. I know education and money are not only wants but needs. I know its not nice to judge, yet we all do and I know we should never hate, its such a bad word, but who doesn’t..

Ms. Michy xO

Poetry:
http://MichysMelodies.wordpress.com

Blog:
http://MichysMess.wordpress.com